Does my divorce mean I am a failure?

This question hits a very raw nerve for many people facing divorce. Marriage, we were always taught, is for life - otherwise why bother getting married? So when it doesn’t last a lifetime, it seems someone must be to blame. “Maybe it’s me. Maybe I should have spoken up earlier. Maybe I should have seen it coming. Maybe I was too passive, too bossy, too preoccupied. Maybe I’m just useless at relationships.” Sound familiar?

Collaborative Law

There are all kinds of other mishaps in life that we easily forgive ourselves for, but the prospect of divorce can press all our self-blame buttons. Why?

Recent research conducted by a collaborative family lawyer into what marriage means to us discovered that it cuts across all the key reference points we use for conceptualising our world and our place within it. It contributes to our understanding of ourselves and others in legal, moral, emotional, political and developmental terms. You don’t even have to like or approve of marriage for it to hold this level of impact. In fact, not liking it indicates its power just as much as liking it does.

Now, if we take just one of those domains - moral - and remind ourselves that our cultural history is steeped with the notion that marriage is good - so divorce, therefore, is bad - it instantly becomes clear why your divorce is making you feel you’re suddenly living on the wrong side of the tracks, whether it was your choice or not. This is a feeling, remember, not a thought. Rationally you may know the relationship was irreparable, going nowhere, over. But this isn’t enough to dispel those gnawings of primitive, reactive guilt and sense of failure.

It might surprise you to know that Collaborative Practice takes all this into account. Whether the person you’re working with is a Family Consultant (Counsellor/Psychotherapist), a lawyer or a financial adviser, they will be listening to what’s happened, how you feel about it and what you need, but never judging you. Those moralising days are long gone. This holistic interdisciplinary approach just focuses on helping you achieve whatever it is you need to build the best future for your children, yourself and your ex, emotionally, practically and financially.

It can be a tough challenge, but if by working together your divorce can be kept out of court, that’s a success, not a failure.

I urge you to find out more about Collaborative Family Practice by contacting Marjorie Taylor or Andrea Boutcher here at FDC Law, or any of the other specially trained collaborative lawyers in B&NES , Somerset & Wiltshire, who are willing and able to assist you. Full details and names of all local Collaborative practitioners can be found on the website http://www.collaborativefamilylawyers.co.uk/

A better divorce?

Collaborative Law

24th January 2011 saw the start of Collaborative Week 2011, an initiative by collaborative family law practitioners to raise awareness of collaborative law in the UK.

Collaborative family law is a fairly new process on offer to separating couples, which aims to allow them to sort out their differences more amicably and less confrontationally in a series of meetings with the separating couple and their lawyers - and without the need to go to court.

To mark the launch of Collaborative Week 2011, family consultants and financial planners in the Bath and North East Somerset area have come together to raise awareness of collaborative law.

A photo and video shoot took place in the middle of Bath’s prestigious Queen Square, where the practitioners prepared a visual comparison between divorce by litigation and divorce by collaboration.

The promotion built on the Collaborative Week’s campaign image of frayed rope, ready to snap, with the message “Divorcing – Where Do You Go From Here?”. They have also produced a short video which shows how the tug of war of traditional litigation compares with the round table approach of collaborative law.

You can also find out more about collaborative law here: FDC Law : Collaborative Week 2011 where Marjorie Taylor and Andrea Boutcher, collaborative lawyers with FDC Law at our Midsomer Norton and Frome offices respectively, explain a little bit more about the promotional week and the service itself.

"Can't take it with you” (Wills)

Last Friday, 14th January 2011, saw the start of a new BBC series.

Make a Will

The 6 part series titled “Can’t Take It With You” aims to explore the complex issues that can arise when drafting a will.

Here at FDC Law, we have been highlighting the dangers of dying without making a properly drafted will for many years and it is encouraging to see a serious and entertaining piece of television addressing this issue.

The programmes are hosted by Sir Gerry Robinson in conjunction with Sue Medder, a wills solicitor and partner with Withers.

The first programme highlighted the difficulties that can be encountered, and the emotions that can be raised, when making important decisions about who will benefit from an individual’s estate on death. The programme was particularly concerned with two issues – one, the conflicts over charitable giving and, two, the complexities that can arise when considering beneficiaries after second marriages.

Two couples featured and of the first couple, Lesley wanted the leave half the family home to charity but her husband, David, wanted it all to be left to his two sons from a previous marriage.

The second family, saw army Major Tom, who was on route to Bagdad, wanting to make a will that included his two step daughters while his wife, Keira, was against the principle of inheritance and wanted everything they jointly owned left to charity.

The programme made for interesting viewing with both couples needing to face some uncomfortable home truths before they made their decisions.

The episode also contained a section where potential executors under the wills were gathered together in a room over dinner to discuss the various issues. This section highlighted the careful consideration that needs to be given when choosing executors and, following some frank exchanges during the dinner, David ended up changing his original decision on who would be the executors under his will.

Deciding who gets what in a will can be one of the toughest decisions anyone has to make but this programme also highlighted the clear dangers in not making appropriate provisions before death and the implications that that could have on the families left behind.

If the first episode is anything to go on, the remaining five programmes will be well worth watching.